From my diaries (April)

 Saturday, April 20

Morning class yay.

I got paranoid over a guy touching me, he was so far, but I can't help it, the thought keeps coming back to me and I'm not sure how to sooth it, I can't just wash this one away like I do when I wash and disinfect my hands.

On another note, on my way to class I saw a struggling roly poly (an isopod), I really wanted to help it but I'm not there yet.

Anyways, I reconnected with an old classmate, she shares classes with me again this year, and we hugged (progress).

She also noticed I gained weight and made a comment about it.

I'm trying.

Sunday, April 21

 I watered my snake plant, I might have killed it, which I think is hard to achieve, but I have to try and save what I can of it.

I recently realized that I get the urge to try something new, like a new hobby, usually artistic, then forget about it for a while then re-visit it and it's like an endless cycle.

So I draw, I paint, I make beaded jewelry, I make small plate thingies with clay, I do henna art... and then I stop for long while then when I feel like it I get back to one or more of them.

And today I did none of it, it was a stay in bed kind of day.

Monday, April 22

Happy earth day!

Did some laundry, actually a lot of laundry, I even washed the curtains and it was a struggle to put them back, a work-out for my fat butt, high ceilings and a short ladder don't work together, I'm only like 5'5.

Reorganized the room, which I think is coming together nicely this time.

My favorite podcast is back today !!!! I don't use the word love lightly, if I like something I like it, but this podcast, I love.

Good night 

Tuesday, April 23

Uneventful day,

I went grocery shopping with mom and dad, got some snacks.

Because my clothes are still air-drying I feel a bit on edge and my obsessive thoughts are a bit more frequent. I keep thinking someone will touch them while drying and they will become dirty.

I've been wanting a pet for while, but I can't subject them to a life like this.

I live in an apartment, and there is hardly any greenery around, I want if I have a pet to have like a backyard where they can play and bask in the sun etc. 

I've been thinking maybe a pet bird, I did some research and found the best would be budgies, but I don't think I can do it right now.. I chickened out 

I've been wanting a peace lily, because it eliminates mold spores , but it's toxic to pets so...

And one of the main reasons I disinfect everything, obsess over cleaning again and again, and buy disinfecting products, detergents and vinegar is because of mold. It scares me.

Wednesday, April 24

I went to my brother's school today, someone got cyberbullied and they took everyones' phones so I went to get my brother's phone back and I took him out of the last 40min of class to come home with me, he was happy about that, he kept thanking me for it, he was so sweet about it.

I also went grocery shopping with mom again, got real groceries this time not just snacks, I got a new brand of flavoured green tea and I tried it already, it was nice and light I like it, I also got some apples, tomatoes, lettuce, and beans, also some detergent, clothes disinfectant, razors and shampoo.

When we got back, I cried in the elevator again yay.

I gained weight so fast, my clothes look so unflattering and some don't fit anymore, and I just feel so insecure. 

I want to feel like myself in my clothes and I don't feel that.

I stopped the gym for a while because I had exams and there was a change in schedule, but I'll be back, I have to.

Thursday, April 25

I missed my first class and blamed it on transportation, but I attended my second class and it was okay.

I went out shopping with mom and I got some new clothes, had to try some on at the store, and got disappointed when many of my choices didn't fit me, still got two shirts and two skirts from different stores.

Saw a spider in the shower today, it's that time of the year. I can't touch it, I don't want to hurt it, they eat mosquitoes and flies so I just let it be.

Friday, April 26

Class was okay, had to wake up early though

I saw a roly poly again today same place as last time, it was on my way to class on some stairs.

They suggested a trip in class today, and I was totally in, though I asked if I can bring my mom. They suggested one to an equestrian farm, and I love horses so it works for me, I can mind crowds for the sake of the animals.  

Also a cat touched my skirt in class, I don't believe the cat was clean, so I just removed the skirt to be washed when I got back home, I didn't panic as much even if I kept thinking about it from time to time, it just kept bothering me till I removed the skirt.

Saturday, April 27

Morning class was fine, felt a bit sleepy but got through it.

It was raining basically all morning, not heavy rain but constant showers, I didn't have an umbrella though, but it was fine, a classmate shared theirs with me on my way to class, and the security guard had one for me and another classmate.

The last visit I had with my psychiatrist, he changed some of my doses of ocd meds, because I told him I felt 75% in terms of progress and he upped some doses and lowered others so to increase the percentage. The next visit is almost here, and I don't know if there is progress and I'm just not recognising it. I know though that there is so much improvement than before I even took any meds.

And recently I've been okay using a water solution to disinfect instead of a strong alcoholic one which mom thought was progress. I kind of believe some of the compulsions I have became habits, which is why it's extra hard and taxing to get rid of.

Sunday, April 28

Today was a sunny day, totally different from yesterday. 

Did some shopping !

Got lots of chocolate and snacks, still on a diet though. 

Got two new jeans, and they fit from the first try! (They are made from stretchy material)

I also got a new sunscreen that's hopefully suitable for my skin, it's a spray for the face, I've never tried that before.

When I was in the mall with mom, I coincidentally met an old classmate, I said hi, and her mom asked if I got married ? She said it was because I was dressed kinda casually at the mall. Should I be all dolled up? This mall is a small one and it's near where I live so I don't find it necessary to dress up to go there.

I know some people do that which is fine, and being married is also fine.

The thought just makes me feel kinda uncomfortable, and old.

Monday, April 29

We are on holidays this week.

I didn't do much, slept most of the day

I dreamt, and pretty much all I remember from the dream is me telling someone not to use clothes softener anymore because it has micro plastics. 

There is this string that's sticking out of the trash can and it's bothering me so much, every time I pass by it I go wash my legs and disinfect them in fear of having touched it.

I hope dad takes out the trash tomorrow.

For dinner, I cooked mushrooms that I bought yesterday, they were decent, I also made some beans with tomato sauce, it was good.

Tuesday, April 30

I lost 1kg this week, I hope my diet is actually working and this is not just by chance, I'm hopeful 

I had to see my psychiatrist earlier because Wednesday is a holiday, Thursday the doctor won't be in, Friday is packed, and Saturday I have another doctor's appointment. So I went today. When I was in the waiting room a woman there addressed me as "girly" instead of saying "woman", she said "I'm after this girly..", it made me a bit satisfied, a lot of people have been addressing me as if I'm a mom, which nothing wrong with that but I'm not a mom, it makes me feel like I'm old, I don't like it. It scares me I think.

 The session went as usual, didn't take much time, I let him know of my progress, the first thing he asked was for me to weigh myself, I told him that I already did at home, that I'm on a diet and that I lost 1kg. He kept all my meds the same except one he made it so I'll have it on and off, he said so he'll remove it afterwards, and I learned a while back that that's the medicine that made me gain weight. 

I got back home, then out again with mom, I got more new clothes, a black overshirt, white t shirt, two sets of tracksuits, and a shirt with butterflies on it! Cute

We also saw a beautiful stray cat, it was a siamese cat, it was the second time we see it outside, and it was unsupervised and all dirty so we assumed it's a stray cat, mom bought him some food but another cat went for it instead.