From my diaries (May) (TMI personal stuff ahead)

 Wednesday, May 1

I went thrift shopping with mom, got some shirts, one had little lizards on it.
I also bought the plant that I wanted, I got a peace lily, I love it already, still thinking on a name though.
I got dejavu lately and I thought about it today
I get quite vivid dejavus, It's like a scene playing in front of me and in my mind at the same time, there are many theories that explain them, but one makes my ocd self satisfied and it's that we get dejavu because we are on the right track, that we get glimpses of what our life is supposed to go and when you get dejavu then it's almost like a sign that you're doing what you're supposed to. I don't know, it makes me feel a little better, not sure if there is some scientific explanation, maybe I should look into that.




Saturday, May 4

I've been stressed these past few days, so I haven't been journaling like usual.
I did laundry and it put me on edge a bit.
I also have been hearing noises, and I don't know if we have something inside the walls or if I have something like a small rodent in the room, and it's messing with me. I even did a little experience where I left a little bit of food near the bed and didn't find it the next day, but did I remove it and forgot or did whatever I have in the room eat it, I'm scared and I also don't want to hurt a little creature or be hurt by it.
I also had a doctor's appointment today, and he examined my ear, and I'm scheduled to have a minor surgery to remove a keloid from my ear next week on Wednesday.
I have a lot on my mind, like homework to do, more laundry to worry about, caring for my new plant and watering my snake plant ...
On a lighter note, it's getting hotter on some days, so it's time for ice-cream and popsicles again.



Sunday, May 5

I think it's happening again, and I just noticed it, the hyper fixation thing I have with hobbies, I think it's happening to me with buying new clothes, because I just got two new t-shirts, jeans, socks, and new sunglasses. To be fair though many of my old clothes especially bottoms barely fit me, I had to get myself something but I think I'll stop for now.
Some days I get visited by past trauma, like ten years old trauma but it still haunts me. Like today, I just randomly thought about something that happened to me in my teen years, I would not wish those days on anyone.
Anyways, earlier today I folded some clothes, and watered the plants, I also wiped down the leaves of my peace lily.
Speaking of which, it still needs a name, I still haven't witnessed the drama that comes with having a peace lily and how they appear dead when they just need some light and water but I was thinking maybe "silly lily". We'll see.




Monday, May 6

I stored some winter clothes away, and emptied some space in my closet to fit my new clothes.
I washed two sneaker shoes, but I didn't see them submerged in the water, I just keep thinking they didn't get washed properly, so now I'm planning on rewashing them tomorrow, yay ocd.
Today's the first in a while I'm not taking one of my meds, because it's a day off for this medicine, and it's one that I take for sleep, I'm a little worried but I have to stay hopeful, I trust my psychiatrist.




Tuesday, May 7

I rewashed those shoes, took a shower and stayed in bed most of the day basically.
I gained the weight back, I knew it too before I weighed myself.
I'm going to try again, but this time I have to be consistent. I had a good diet going, I heard one of my favourite streamers say that it starts in the kitchen, that the diet is more important than the exercise alone without a proper diet. So I'm going to try and be more persistent this time.




Wednesday, May 8

I had a minor surgery today, I had a keloid removed from my outer ear. I can still hear it happening, I couldn't feel anything but I could hear the cutting and scrapping. This was the second time, the first time I had two removed, one from each ear, but this time somehow felt more painful than the first time around. When I got back home I had some ibuprofen and some other prescribed pills, also read that they can upset your gut so I had some yogurt and cheese with my food because probiotic rich food can help a little.
I have two classes tomorrow, but I'm skipping them.
I'm not feeling up to it, plus I can't wash my hair because I can't wet the bandages, which means I can't take a proper shower and that is really unfortunate, which leads me to be less inclined to leave the house for longer periods of time, less worrying for me. I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday so he can check how it's coming along and change the bandages for me.




Thursday, May 9

I didn't go to class today but they shared some of what they did in the class group chat. I did some laundry instead.
I think I said I'd stop buying clothes but I did it again,
I went out with mom to a small shopping mall near us for a short outing and I got an oversized black t-shirt and a hat, it has "Miami, Florida" embroidered on it, something about it I just wanted it, and I don't own a hat like that, so I bought one since it's getting hotter on some days now.
I also got a new pillow, I needed a soft one for my ear.
I feel like I'm consuming too much sugary stuff, I need to dial it down a little bit.
Before the holidays I told one of my professor's that I would share some poems with him for feedback, and I still haven't done that, maybe tomorrow.




Friday, May 10

My ear doesn't hurt anymore, but I'm afraid of changing the bandages by myself even though I'm really wanting to take a hot shower.
I emailed my professor four of my poems, finally, I'm just waiting for the feedback.
I had a lot of sweets today, I'm craving them for some reason.
I'm really wanting some cowboy boots, and a cowboy hat, like the real stuff. But they don't sell them where I live. I've been thinking about them, maybe buying them off the Internet but it's not the same as a real physical store where you can try them on and see which ones fit and which ones you like better.




Saturday, May 11

Class went well today, although I had to leave class before the others at the last few minutes because I needed to use the restroom. I used a public restroom! I disinfected the seat and all but I still used it! Progress.
On my way home, I was sitting front seat in the cab, the window was open and a little bug got in, it had red in it, I couldn't identify it, it was shaped like a lovebug but it was too small and the coloring was different I believe.
I'm thinking about buying dark grey jeans, but I don't have the money right now. I wonder when this phase is going to phase down.




Sunday, May 12

I bought the dark grey jeans I wanted, and a men's extra large beige t-shirt.
I took a shower and washed my hair finally. I changed the bandages from my ear, it was a bit of a struggle, it looked like an open wound basically and the gauze was stuck to it. I managed to remove it and put new gauze and bandages on. It bled a little bit too. Anyways I have a check up with the doctor tomorrow, we'll see what he says.




Monday, May 13

An unknown number woke me up, I thought it was the doctor's so I answered and I didn't hung up right away, turns out it was some pervert, I felt truly disrespected and grossed out and I hated that I woke up that way, it messed with me in the morning.
I just did not like that feeling.
I blocked unknown numbers from ever calling me again.
Anyways, in the afternoon I saw the doctor, he changed my bandages and told me he'll give me some cream to use afterwards and that I need to buy non piercing earrings to help stop any growth from happening.




Wednesday, May 15

These days I've been home mostly, and turns out I gained weight.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and a class that I have never been to and I've been worried about being questioned about my absences.
I also want to take showers so badly, my scalp is flaking and I do not like the look nor the feel of that, but I have to wait till the doctor removes the bandages that might equals to the go ahead.
I feel like I overeat, and I don't know how to stop it, maybe I'll change what I eat to healthy stuff so it's not as bad, I'll try, hopefully.




Thursday, May 16

I didn't feel like I slept like usual. My period is almost here so that could be why, and that could also be the reason I'm worried and anxious more.
I've been thinking about class all morning, and if I would be asked to remove my hat or about my previous absences, and when I decided I'm not going I felt relieved, I was not ready to go today and coincidentally it clashes with the time I have the doctor's appointment.
The doctor removed my bandages and gave me the name of the cream or gell I think it is that I should be using, he said to wait for two days then start using it.
I took a shower and dad reprimanded me because I'm not supposed to, and now I have the bandages back on.




Friday, May 17

I didn't feel like I fully slept today either. I'm truly hoping it's just my period.
I took the bus today, and while waiting I've been observing my surroundings as per usual, and I saw a pile of clothes on the ground nearby, I avoided it of course but a girl was way too close to it for my liking and to my luck she sat right next to me, but when I got back home I only removed my pants and socks to wash and only sprayed disinfectant on my shoes, even though I wore the pants only once, it is still progress that I only sprayed the shoes and didn't put them aside to get washed also.
I'm feeling a bit on edge, my younger brother went on a trip with his school, they're going tonight to a different city and I hope he has fun I truly do, I just wish one of us was with him, I don't like the idea of one of us not spending the night at home.
Me and mom went out and got him some things to take with him, like tissues, wet wipes and some snacks for the road, we also got him a hat and mom bought me new pants and a new hat too, it says "Los Angeles California", and plus the one I already have with the "Miami, Florida", new hobby? Collecting hats? Maybe hats with state names? I'm kinda not hating that idea, they don't have to be state names just hats.




Saturday, May 18

I believe I slept fine this time, I'm not sure what was worrying me before.
My brother got home safely, he bought some little trinkets, and he gave me a necklace. I think he enjoyed his time, he didn't share much of what they did but that's not unusual of him, I just hope it was a good experience for him.
Anyways, I removed the bandages from my ear today, hopefully it dries up so I can apply the cream on it.




Sunday, May 19

Got my period, yay period cramps.
I had some ibuprofen left, it was prescribed by the doctor who performed my recent surgery, thank God for that, and it's also approved by my psychiatrist for me to take alongside my meds.
Mom wanted a t-shirt for an outfit she had in mind, and I went with her, she got me a new hat, this one says "Beverly Hills, California" it's also a nice color that I'm not sure how to describe, it's brownish but on the lighter side.
I also got black eyeliner, I don't remember the last time I wore eyeliner or any sort of visible makeup, I just put on light lip gloss or lip balm, clear eyelashes gel... and sunscreen.
I also saw shoes that I've been looking for, I've been wanting ballet flats, and I finally found the style I wanted, but can't afford them right now. So got to be patient.




Tuesday, May 21

I forgot to Journal yesterday, I've been more anxious and needing reassurances more than usual, even mom noticed it, I'm thinking it might be my period playing a role in this spike in my anxiety.
I feel a little less anxious today though, and I desperately need to wash my hair, I think I have oily hair, so it needs a daily wash, and the build up is just not it, but the scar from the recent surgery is not completely dried up, and I don't want to risk it.




Wednesday, May 22

The scar is dried up and I'm putting the cream on it now.
I also covered my ear and took a shower, didn't entirely work but I finally washed my hair.
I'm not going to class tomorrow.




Thursday, May 23

Spent the day in bed mostly.
I didn't attend my classes, I had them from 14h till 18h with a 30min break somewhere in the middle. I did not feel up to it at all.
I went out with mom in the afternoon, I wanted to buy omega-3 supplements but I didn't find it where I went and the pharmacy was already closed by then, but thankfully dad got me the probiotics that I asked for. I did some "research", and well these supplements apparently might help with weight loss, and if they don't they are still beneficial, I also found that they help decrease stress and anxiety which is a bonus if the studies apply to me as well.
I have a headache, and I'm not certain why, I hope it goes away soon so I can sleep.




Friday, May 24

I did not attend classes again, I just went back to sleep, I asked the Internet why I don't go to class, it said it could be my anxiety, stress, the difficulty I have with the material, I also think my avoidance may also stem from my disapproval of the way I look, which is sad to say but it may be the reason because I've been truly struggling with the way I look recently. I've been watching what I eat, and trying to eat less, so we'll see.
I did small things today, I took care of my peace lily, I prepared what to wear to class, I folded some clothes, and I made lunch for my brother.
The scar on my ear is looking better, the cream is doing its job I suppose.




Monday, May 27

The weekend went okay, I went to class on Saturday, I learned that I validated two of my exams which I'm thankful for because I've been absent more times than I attended.
I also went out with mom and got omega-3 supplements and some cream and oil for stretch marks.
I had some issues in my bowel movement these past days and I'm not sure what prompted it, I felt better this morning though. I did some much needed laundry finally and took a  much needed shower.
Every time I have a new thing that I want, and this time it's an oil perfume, plus those ballet flats that I haven't gotten yet. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm trying to find myself, and trying to find comfort and confidence in what I wear.
On another note, I keep doing this thing where I look back to see if I passed by some trash on the floor or if I stomped on something and it's getting kinda dangerous because sometimes I do it while I'm crossing roads, I'm more careful now but I should stop it all together.




Tuesday, May 28

Didn't do much today, my clothes are still air drying.
My bowel movements are acting up again tonight TMI but I don't want to live in the restroom, I truly don't know what happened and my parents seemed reluctant to just take me to a doctor this early, mom literally suggested some home remedies, I know I've been seeing a psychiatrist and the ear doctor and then this is happening now, to add another doctor and then if he gives me medicine then it will be more medicine to add to the bunch, I know it's a lot and it's also a lot of money but I'm struggling if this persists I don't think I'll leave the house till it gets better, hopefully soon.




Wednesday, May 29

What did I eat ? Tmi I've been to the restroom about four times today and I feel the abdominal pain. Dad bought me some medicine, we'll see how that works.
There is a class this semester that I haven't attended from the beginning and every time it's either a valid reason or my anxiety acting up which to some it may sound as an excuse but to me it is tiring and taxing and something I take medicine to deal with. I have this class tomorrow but I'm not going because of this issue I'm having with my health, but sometimes I also don't attend when it's too mentally taxing and I keep thinking about how I would answer if the professor asks me where I've been.



Thursday, May 30

Unproductive day today
I felt a little better, added more medicine to the bunch hopefully this works.



Friday, May 31

I cut my bangs! Just a little trim... might have cut it a little more than just a little trim, I also did it so I don't always wear a hat on a bad hair day, I feel like I can just throw my hair up and let my bangs down and it will be fine.
I had online class so that's good, didn't have to go far and stay away for a long period of time.
I felt a lot better today, I even went out for a little bit with mom to the small mall near us, I didn't get the oil perfume that I had in mind but I got another one that resonated with me, I bought some nail polish, nothing too flashy just light pink and clear nail polish, I got tongue scrapers, a new tooth brush, and light green house slides, mom bought me a t-shirt and it had a little pink seahorse embroidered on it, so cute, I also got some pickled cucumbers and green tea. I didn't get the ballet flats that I wanted, I changed my mind on those for now.